So -- Brokeback.

I haven't written much here about my love of Brokeback Mountain. Actually, I've been trying to do just that for some time, but have found that its a struggle. Why do I struggle over this? In part because of the injustices I see strike me as so self evident that I just cannot grasp how anyone could believe that these prejudices are justifiable. Another part is that I'm not into debate or convining others of my arguments. And a big part is that I already have a place where I quite simply don't have to explain my feelings -- because everyone else there already understands them and shares them. Well - at the macro level at least because actually the discussions do get heated to say the least! No one can ever accuse any of us of not being passionate.

So why should I, then, bother to face the struggle to write here? This indeed was the first question I had to settle, and it came down to: Because those of you who actually read this blog are people for whom I care and who I think deserve to get a glimpse of me that otherwise you likely would not.

Dave and I first saw the movie in March, rather late in the theater run actually. Driving home I felt like I'd been sucker punched. Depressed as hell, and feeling the beginnings of the shame that would continue to develop in me as the story plagued my thoughts.

I fairly quickly sought out Brokeback resources online. It took me about a week to discover The Ultimate Brokeback Forum. I went there in search of fan fiction, but I stayed because of the amazing discourse that was being held all over the forum about every imaginable aspect of the movie: it's impact upon it's audience, it's cast and crew, scene and characterization critiques, theatrical imagery discussions, many topics on LGBT issues, as well as a number of purely for fun threads. Of course it is ultimately the people that make a forum good or bad, and I found this group of people to be almost universally caring, open individuals who are witty, poignant, incredibly diverse and brave all at once.

It was through reading many of the posts there, and then eventually starting to post myself, that I started to recognize the shame that was lurking in the back of my psyche. I'd always considered myself absolutely sympathetic of homosexuals. Who was I, after all, to suggest to someone else who they can love? We'd had a handful of gay friends, though none with whom I'd ever discussed gay issues.

It was, in a way, the ultimate in denial: If I'm fine with their orientation, they must be fine, right? If I treat them as if there are no social stigmas surrounding their lifestyle, as if they don't face tremendous pressure just to express who they really are -- then those stigmas and pressures don't exist, right? How naieve.

The movie cracked the door on my realization that many, many homosexuals are not fine. Being on the forum kocked that door clean off its hinges. Many are, in fact, so not fine that they are unable to even acknowledge their true orientation to themselves.

Forget not being able to come out.

Forget not being able to find someone to love and be loved by.

Forget not being able to spend their life with or that person, or, *gasp*, to marry.

All are very real and signficant problem for many gays, but for me the worst tragedy is that we're talking about lying to yourself about who you really are -- because you've been taught that the truth is too horrifying to even consider. To go through life at the least unfulfilled, and at the worst hating yourself because you cannot be at peace with yourself...

That we as a society would sentence anyone to that fate is an inexcuseable crime, in my opinion. True, we no longer live in 1963 rural Wyoming. But the astonishing fact remains that Matthew Shepard was tied to a fence outside of Laramie and beaten to death for being homosexual - 1 year after this short story was published! These prejudices are alive, and the most insidious of them are those that can't be pointed to in the newspapers. With societal issues, if you aren't part of the solution, you are the problem. I can't say I'm part of the solution yet, but I'm trying to educate myself. We signed the petition for a domestic partnership amendment ballot issue in Colorado -- and then tried to recruit my two friends to do the same, but they'd already signed! :) I'm on the alert list for Equal Rights Colorado.org

I've actually only seen the movie 3 times. It is so painful I've found it to be harder to watch each time, and I'm not sure when the next time is that I'll open up my own DVD again. I am, however, going to Chicago in a month to attend a gathering of what looks now to be about 35-40 people from my little corner of the forum. At the gathering we're planning on having a screening, and it is with no little bit of trepedation that quite a few of us look forward to that event. The saving grace will be, of course, that many of us will be seeing it for the first time with kindred spirts. I fully expect that to be an amazingly cathartic night -- but that will be an entry for another time.

Meanwhile I'm quite active in the forum -- both from a purely recreational aspect but I'm also now one of the administrators. I field requests from the team of moderators and general members (nearly 5000 of them) alike and I'm trying to do some site redesign for a number of our websites.

One of the things that impresses me most about this forum is that these people are Do-ers. You might have heard about the advertisement that was purchased by members of the forum after the Academy Awards when BBM did not receive the award for best picture. Instead of sponsoring a complaint letter campaign, these people designed a full paged thank you advertisement addressed to everyone involved in bringing this story to a reality. They garnered national media attention in doing so.

Now, we're publishing a book. The stories being shared about how the movie had a revolutionary impact upon so many lives make up an unprecidented tribute to this extraordinary film. So, they've decided to publish a book of the greatest posts. BEYOND BROKEBACK: The Impact of a Film is to be published in September. And be forewarned, I've ordered my small gross of books -- one is likely to be on it's way to you shortly. ;) No, I'm not trying to push any agenda upon anyone. It's just so many of these stories have touched me in ways I never would have imagined, and I want to share that with you so that maybe you'll see why I'm proud to call myself a Brokeaholic.

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On other news (since this is so late in being posted I feel the need to combine topics) Dave and I are headed for Vegas this weekend for his brother Eric's wedding! We're going to dual celebrate with them and in honor of our 13th anniversary which was last week. Woo Hoo -- We'll be having fun, hope you are too.